The Highways of Florida

Shitty Florida Drivers

As Americans, our collective perception of Florida is that place where old people go to retire, and that place everybody else has to drive through to get to Disney World.

But, as a casual visitor, what kinds of conclusions can we draw about Florida just by driving there?

Driving south into Florida:

Abortion.

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Floridians are really concerned about abortion. Really concerned. Every fifth billboard was for an anti-abortion hotline.

A different message each time, but still the same number.

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Rape.

Things are certainly getting darker. Florida is also really concerned about rape.

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Honorable enough. But just like the abortion billboards, every fourth billboard was a different message with the same hotline number.

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Driving north to Georgia:

Kooks.

Mary Queen of the Universe

Strippers.

Are you seeing a trend yet?

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Terrible drivers.

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Seriously, how the hell do you manage to drive your tractor trailer off the road at a 45 degree angle? That’s not even a slight veer.

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Maybe someone was a little too eager to take advantage of the great food and trucker discounts.

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I’m pretty sure the narrative to be told here is that young women from Florida head north to work in the clubs, and all the marketing by the support groups is designed to help them deal with the consequences they bring back home with them.

…thus, it seems the road to the Most Magical Place on Earth is paved with unchecked lust, unreported crimes and unwanted children.

Johnny

Pro-family and anti-drug, when he’s not too busy living with four beautiful ladies, he likes long walks on the beach and poking dead things with sticks.

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